I'm starting to notice that most of these prompts come front-loaded with an opinion, like that school essay assignment "Why is America the Best country in the world? Discuss."
So let's talk about forgiveness, and how it is occasionally not nearly as useful as common belief has it.
We use forgiveness on a daily basis - your coworker screwed up the report, your friend is late meeting you, your cats peed in your bottom drawer again. Forgiveness is the emotionally over-syllabized term for "Don't worry about, it's fine". And this is a good thing. It keeps us connected, empathetic, and Not Total Jerks.
Forgiveness also does make my life better on a daily basis - mostly when, say, my husband is forgiving my latest bout of PMS. Forgiveness arguably does the guilty even more good than the aggrieved, especially when they already feel bad and want it to "be fine".
So what about when this impulse goes too far? Now, I'm not talking about the extreme end of the spectrum here - I am neither qualified nor experienced to talk about forgiveness in the context of physical, emotional, or chemical abuse. Anything that a nice policeman would beat the other guy up for and then hand you a tissue and a report.
I'm talking about that coworker who messes up every single day and needs you to cover his butt. That friend who stands you up over, and over, and over, and never seems to get why you're upset. The cat...well, you kinda gotta forgive her everytime. If she's peeing in your drawer, in some manner this is your fault. Clean the fricking litter, remember to close your bedroom door, and maybe take her to the doc.
When is enough, enough? When do you say, "Look, we gotta talk to the supervisor about getting you some training." or "You know what? Go find someone else to stand up." When does forgiveness become such a drain on your own resources that the only thing the other person learns is you're a doormat? Personally, I think it happens much sooner than most people give it credit, and a lot of toxic relationships are a result.
I don't qualify walking away from someone and then letting go of resentment and anger as forgiveness. Empathy and understanding, maybe inner peace, but you're not about to resume the relationship, so it's not really "fine" at that point.
Story Time!
I had a relationship at one point that was the emotional pits - I mean, spending every last second of my time wondering how I'd screwed up so badly, how to make it better, how to stop hurting her, since no matter what I did, she ended up crying, anxious, and forgiving me for being such a screw up.
I spent an entire 12 hour night shift praying, meditating, and working on automatic, just on the subject. How do I fix this? Goddess, forgive me, please. I'm not sure she's going to be able to after a while.
And what I got back was - "Why are you putting yourself through this?" Well, I'm not putting myself through anything, she's the one getting hurt here - "Oh, stop bullshitting. She's set you up coming and going." Well, it's not her fault, see, there's all the things that happened to her, she just gets like that - "And you're letting her."
My tiny little epiphany (Say it like a pet name, it sounds better) didn't get much farther that night. I was a forgiving sort; and anyway, she didn't mean to. But later on, it kept coming back - and eventually, I walked away. After taking much more crap then was ever reasonable.
And after admitting to myself that if she'd been, oh, NOT drop-dead heart-attack walk-into-a-lamppost gorgeous, I would have noticed some of the manipulation a little faster. But this girl made my brain melt straight out my ears. And her that much easier to forgive, for a time.
I'll also admit, I got a little harder on my friendships after that. I'm not the terribly forgiving sort after awhile. And I'm honestly happier for it, with more room for legitimately fulfilling relationships. The kind of place where you're always forgiving - it takes up a lot of emotional space and energy. Also, eventually you become one of those really obnoxious martyred people.
So, give yourself a break. Sometimes it's ok to just walk away.
No comments:
Post a Comment