Every year, Pantheacon happens, Z Budapest shoots her mouth off, I get ten kinds of ticked and tell myself, "I need to write a blog post about this", and then I promptly realize that I am way, way too angry to write anything coherent. So I give myself some time to cool off, and then realize everyone already finished talking about it and there's little point to a post. It's like clockwork. Actually, replace "Pantheacon" with "gender-related circle drama", and this actually happens a few times a year, every year.
So it occurred to me this week that maybe, just maybe, I should write a post when I'm not all hyped up and angry? Far away from Pride Day season and Con season and when nothing particular has happened to set me off?
If you're new to the pagan scene, or don't pay attention to internet drama, or otherwise have no idea what I'm talking about, you can find a long recap here. The short recap is this: There are women-only circles out there that are *so* woman-only that they do not allow trans-women to join. The controversy comes in when these groups advertise "open" circles, or otherwise put themselves in public space, and then turn people away at the door.
I have strong, strong rage feelings about this, which makes it feel complicated to explain, but it's really not. The first part is this: If you feel so strongly that you are a woman that you are willing to take hormones, and/or go under surgery, then I say, 'Welcome to the Sisterhood'. Period. I'm more than happy to have you.
The second part is far more personal.
I learned this week that the current technical term for me is "genderqueer". I liked finding out that there are enough other people that we get to have our own term. Because in my head, deep inside, I have never really identified as a woman. I don't feel like a man, either, so it's not worth making a big fuss about. I don't have a huge identity crisis, I don't have long sleepless nights of wondering where I fit in society, but seriously, when I think about who I am, "female" doesn't even make the top ten.
There are weird little signs of it all over my psyche. When I dream, I'm a dude roughly half the time. And it's not the point of the dream (I might be looking for something, or being chased, or wandering aimlessly, whatever), it's just one of those facts you accept in your sleep. "I'm a ten-year old boy." Next night, "I'm an old woman." Maybe a dude in his 40's after that. My subconscious has a deeply fluid idea of who I am.
When I was ten, I remember standing in front of a mirror with my shirt off and evaluating if I could still pass as a boy. I cheerfully concluded I could. I enjoyed being mistaken as a little boy half the time, and I knew it wouldn't last forever.
Thank all gods that puberty hit me late, because there will be no passing for me ever again. I have tiny features, and delicate shoulders, and ridiculously enormous breasts, and there is no, no way on this planet that anyone is ever buying me in drag. If I looked a little different, I might give it a shot (I love the drag kings in shows, I think they're awesome) once in a while, but my best bet is Desire of the Endless, and that would require miles of duct-tape. So I put on tiny skirts and lipstick and heels when I go out, because it's easier, and also fun. I'm like the kid who wishes he could play soccer AND basketball, but he's too short for basketball. He still plays soccer, and it's not a compromise, it's just that other sport he enjoys and is good at.
So in all that rambling, I need to circle back around to how this affects me in the pagan sphere, and why it makes me feel so strongly in support of trans-women.
When you get right down to it, (editorial you) you should be letting trans-women into your women-only circles and NOT me. That would make more sense. I, as a rule, don't even go to women-only events, because it feels like fraud. And anything that says "genetic women only"? Me showing up to that would pass fraud and go right into hypocrisy.
At the end of the day, I'm just grateful that I have a husband and group of friends who defend my right to show up to boys' night. I only have to consider these topics when I'm on the philosophical end of the internet - it doesn't really come up in my daily life. And that's as it should be.
Blessed Be!
Pennanti
Friday, August 10, 2012
Monday, June 25, 2012
Long Hiatus
It's been a while. Not just in time, either - a lot has changed since my last frenzied flurry of cold-weather baking.
I did keep baking on and off for the winter months, though it ran down as spring approached. There were a lot of reasons for that - it was warmer, we were busier.
We got laid off.
Then we moved to Thailand.
That was the beginning of May, and we'll be here until October. To say it's a transition is an understatement. I have a hard time ordering my thoughts past a flurry of impressions (which is on my Thailand blog, and will largely not be found here.)
I'm having an even harder time practicing, though, and that's both unexpected and unsettling. I knew going in that there wouldn't be a community (there's barely one in Rochester, NY, and I'm totally used to that!) and that the large portion of the country is Buddhist.
I wasn't expecting how much the landscape and weather would be disorienting, though. We're in central Thailand, Meuang Suphanburi. What that means is - flat, swampy, rice farming country. We're here for the rainy season - hot, humid, with torrential random storms on a weekly basis. And Meuang means 'capital', as in 'capital of Supanburi province'.
What I should have picked out of those descriptions initially, and did'nt, is: flat, cloudy, suburbs.
There are no hills, and that's setting off culture shock faster than anything else, oddly. I didn't even realize what I was missing until we went to an island (The islands are mountainous clumps of jungle ringed by beaches, dropped just off the coast.)
It's cloudy, all the time, even when it's not raining, and especially at night. I've completely lost track of the moon phases - I only see the moon once or twice a month, and it bothers me. I might install a phase-tracker on my computer, but it'd be like having an alarm to remind me about sunrise. It's not the same visceral feeling of being connected to a cycle.
And it's the suburbs - there's more than people everywhere, there's development everywhere. There's so much light pollution, along with the clouds, that I don't have any firm idea of how the stars have changed. The streams are gutted with trash, as are the roadsides, and it's hard - really, really hard - to get any kind of feel for the land.
Maybe I'm not trying hard enough, or I'm doing it wrong. Maybe I'm too used to feeling rooted in upstate NY (which is going to to make our move to Texas after we go back really, really suck.) Or maybe I'm just having my first culture shock meltdown, a month into being here. Right now, all I want to do is plug into my computer and avoid looking outside, but I'm pretty sure that's not actually the solution.
On a brighter note, the food here pretty much makes it all worth it. I'm not kidding, I haven't eaten this well ever in my life.
Blessed Be,
Pennanti
I did keep baking on and off for the winter months, though it ran down as spring approached. There were a lot of reasons for that - it was warmer, we were busier.
We got laid off.
Then we moved to Thailand.
That was the beginning of May, and we'll be here until October. To say it's a transition is an understatement. I have a hard time ordering my thoughts past a flurry of impressions (which is on my Thailand blog, and will largely not be found here.)
I'm having an even harder time practicing, though, and that's both unexpected and unsettling. I knew going in that there wouldn't be a community (there's barely one in Rochester, NY, and I'm totally used to that!) and that the large portion of the country is Buddhist.
I wasn't expecting how much the landscape and weather would be disorienting, though. We're in central Thailand, Meuang Suphanburi. What that means is - flat, swampy, rice farming country. We're here for the rainy season - hot, humid, with torrential random storms on a weekly basis. And Meuang means 'capital', as in 'capital of Supanburi province'.
What I should have picked out of those descriptions initially, and did'nt, is: flat, cloudy, suburbs.
There are no hills, and that's setting off culture shock faster than anything else, oddly. I didn't even realize what I was missing until we went to an island (The islands are mountainous clumps of jungle ringed by beaches, dropped just off the coast.)
It's cloudy, all the time, even when it's not raining, and especially at night. I've completely lost track of the moon phases - I only see the moon once or twice a month, and it bothers me. I might install a phase-tracker on my computer, but it'd be like having an alarm to remind me about sunrise. It's not the same visceral feeling of being connected to a cycle.
And it's the suburbs - there's more than people everywhere, there's development everywhere. There's so much light pollution, along with the clouds, that I don't have any firm idea of how the stars have changed. The streams are gutted with trash, as are the roadsides, and it's hard - really, really hard - to get any kind of feel for the land.
Maybe I'm not trying hard enough, or I'm doing it wrong. Maybe I'm too used to feeling rooted in upstate NY (which is going to to make our move to Texas after we go back really, really suck.) Or maybe I'm just having my first culture shock meltdown, a month into being here. Right now, all I want to do is plug into my computer and avoid looking outside, but I'm pretty sure that's not actually the solution.
On a brighter note, the food here pretty much makes it all worth it. I'm not kidding, I haven't eaten this well ever in my life.
Blessed Be,
Pennanti
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