I'm babysitting the office phone right now, because one of our secretaries is out on maternity leave, and the other needs someone to cover her breaks and lunches. Today it's my turn.
Said secretary has the Christian rock turned up, and every single piece of personal paraphanelia on her desk involves the word "God" on it somewhere. I just checked.
Does it make me a bad person if I feel really uncomfortable sitting here?
I don't want to be one of those people that throws tantrums and makes everybody else uncomfortable. When I arrived at work two x-mases ago, someone had put up little pictures on everyone's overheads in my department. You know, trees, stars, presents. I had a church. I quietly asked one of my coworkers if I could switch with them, since I wasn't Christian. They cheerfully did, so I had a tree with a star instead of a church. She must've told somebody, because later the Head Decorator came over to me quietly as well, asking urgently if I wanted them to take all the decorations down because they weren't allowed to make anyone feel uncomfortable with holiday stuff.
I told them no, of course not! I love Christmas as much as (and occasionally more than) the next person. I don't care if the little cartoon church is on somebody else's overhead bin. I just don't want it staring down at me on mine.
So, how much of this vague twitchiness is from my stated witchiness? And how much from my upbringing? Would I feel like this if it was a proud Jewish employee's desk I was sitting at? A Muslim's?
I don't think so. I only get uneasy when forcibly confronted with devout Christianity. And I'm not sure how justified that is.
I worry that I'll accidentally pass this on to my (hypothetical) kids, and I really don't want to.
Do I judge people I don't know when I see them wearing a cross? Possibly a little bit, in a "Be careful as you get to know them " kind of way. I know I judge people if they're wearing a cross, jesus earrings, and a giant t-shirt with the Lord's Prayer on it, but I think I get a pass on that because I judge pentacles the size of coasters in a similar way. "Look out, possible Crazy over here". It's like a little neon sign, when someone throws that much of their visual identity into their religious one.
Taun-taun has the same reaction to Orthodox Jewish folks, for much the same reason. Being raised in or tangentially related to a religion that's later rejected seems to have a hyper-sensitizing effect.
Visiting family this weekend, also brought this vague discomfort to the surface. Mind you, this is the family that I like and spend time with on purpose! The parents know I'm pagan, though there's a DADT policy in my family and no one has once asked me about it. I'm under the impression that the older cousins (13, 15) have been told to not talk about it. The younger ones know they aren't supposed to, but will sometimes bring it up around the edges. Quietly bowing my head during grace, for example. "Do you say a different grace?" "Yes." "Oh..." {hopeful pause for more forthcoming} This is the first time the 11-yr-old has been sitting next to me close enough to ask something - though I know he's noticed before. The next night, "I know it probably sounds a lot like evil chanting, but it's just what my family does!" He says it really defensively. {Insert me trying really hard not to laugh} "Oh, I know it's what you guys do. It's ok."
I can't tell if he wants to ask more, or if my discomfort is just that visible.
Also, I'd like to stop and chuckle again for just a second, at my cousin describing his own family's grace as "sounds like evil chanting".
Mostly, my point here is, I hope someday I get over it. Get over my Christian resentment, discomfort, and general skittishness. I have Christian friends - good ones, by both words - but I knew them before and during my conversion. It's new people that get my dander up. It's not attractive, as personality traits go, even if it does seem to be fairly common. So this post is about changing that over the years.
Blessed Be,
Pennanti
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