I Am Not a Real Girl

Every year, Pantheacon happens, Z Budapest shoots her mouth off, I get ten kinds of ticked and tell myself, "I need to write a blog post about this", and then I promptly realize that I am way, way too angry to write anything coherent. So I give myself some time to cool off, and then realize everyone already finished talking about it and there's little point to a post. It's like clockwork. Actually, replace "Pantheacon" with "gender-related circle drama", and this actually happens a few times a year, every year.

So it occurred to me this week that maybe, just maybe, I should write a post when I'm not all hyped up and angry? Far away from Pride Day season and Con season and when nothing particular has happened to set me off?

If you're new to the pagan scene, or don't pay attention to internet drama, or otherwise have no idea what I'm talking about, you can find a long recap here. The short recap is this: There are women-only circles out there that are *so* woman-only that they do not allow trans-women to join. The controversy comes in when these groups advertise "open" circles, or otherwise put themselves in public space, and then turn people away at the door.

I have strong, strong rage feelings about this, which makes it feel complicated to explain, but it's really not. The first part is this: If you feel so strongly that you are a woman that you are willing to take hormones, and/or go under surgery, then I say, 'Welcome to the Sisterhood'. Period. I'm more than happy to have you.

The second part is far more personal.

I learned this week that the current technical term for me is "genderqueer". I liked finding out that there are enough other people that we get to have our own term. Because in my head, deep inside, I have never really identified as a woman. I don't feel like a man, either, so it's not worth making a big fuss about. I don't have a huge identity crisis, I don't have long sleepless nights of wondering where I fit in society, but seriously, when I think about who I am, "female" doesn't even make the top ten.

There are weird little signs of it all over my psyche. When I dream, I'm a dude roughly half the time. And it's not the point of the dream (I might be looking for something, or being chased, or wandering aimlessly, whatever), it's just one of those facts you accept in your sleep. "I'm a ten-year old boy." Next night, "I'm an old woman." Maybe a dude in his 40's after that. My subconscious has a deeply fluid idea of who I am.

When I was ten, I remember standing in front of a mirror with my shirt off and evaluating if I could still pass as a boy. I cheerfully concluded I could. I enjoyed being mistaken as a little boy half the time, and I knew it wouldn't last forever.

Thank all gods that puberty hit me late, because there will be no passing for me ever again. I have tiny features, and delicate shoulders, and ridiculously enormous breasts, and there is no, no way on this planet that anyone is ever buying me in drag. If I looked a little different, I might give it a shot (I love the drag kings in shows, I think they're awesome) once in a while, but my best bet is Desire of the Endless, and that would require miles of duct-tape. So I put on tiny skirts and lipstick and heels when I go out, because it's easier, and also fun. I'm like the kid who wishes he could play soccer AND basketball, but he's too short for basketball. He still plays soccer, and it's not a compromise, it's just that other sport he enjoys and is good at.

So in all that rambling, I need to circle back around to how this affects me in the pagan sphere, and why it makes me feel so strongly in support of trans-women.

When you get right down to it, (editorial you) you should be letting trans-women into your women-only circles and NOT me. That would make more sense. I, as a rule, don't even go to women-only events, because it feels like fraud. And anything that says "genetic women only"? Me showing up to that would pass fraud and go right into hypocrisy.

At the end of the day, I'm just grateful that I have a husband and group of friends who defend my right to show up to boys' night. I only have to consider these topics when I'm on the philosophical end of the internet - it doesn't really come up in my daily life. And that's as it should be.

Blessed Be!
Pennanti

Long Hiatus

It's been a while. Not just in time, either - a lot has changed since my last frenzied flurry of cold-weather baking.

I did keep baking on and off for the winter months, though it ran down as spring approached. There were a lot of reasons for that - it was warmer, we were busier.

We got laid off.

Then we moved to Thailand.

That was the beginning of May, and we'll be here until October. To say it's a transition is an understatement. I have a hard time ordering my thoughts past a flurry of impressions (which is on my Thailand blog, and will largely not be found here.)

I'm having an even harder time practicing, though, and that's both unexpected and unsettling. I knew going in that there wouldn't be a community (there's barely one in Rochester, NY, and I'm totally used to that!) and that the large portion of the country is Buddhist.

I wasn't expecting how much the landscape and weather would be disorienting, though. We're in central Thailand, Meuang Suphanburi. What that means is - flat, swampy, rice farming country. We're here for the rainy season - hot, humid, with torrential random storms on a weekly basis. And Meuang means 'capital', as in 'capital of Supanburi province'.

What I should have picked out of those descriptions initially, and did'nt, is: flat, cloudy, suburbs.

There are no hills, and that's setting off culture shock faster than anything else, oddly. I didn't even realize what I was missing until we went to an island (The islands are mountainous clumps of jungle ringed by beaches, dropped just off the coast.)

It's cloudy, all the time, even when it's not raining, and especially at night. I've completely lost track of the moon phases - I only see the moon once or twice a month, and it bothers me. I might install a phase-tracker on my computer, but it'd be like having an alarm to remind me about sunrise. It's not the same visceral feeling of being connected to a cycle.

And it's the suburbs - there's more than people everywhere, there's development everywhere. There's so much light pollution, along with the clouds, that I don't have any firm idea of how the stars have changed. The streams are gutted with trash, as are the roadsides, and it's hard - really, really hard - to get any kind of feel for the land.

Maybe I'm not trying hard enough, or I'm doing it wrong. Maybe I'm too used to feeling rooted in upstate NY (which is going to to make our move to Texas after we go back really, really suck.) Or maybe I'm just having my first culture shock meltdown, a month into being here. Right now, all I want to do is plug into my computer and avoid looking outside, but I'm pretty sure that's not actually the solution.

On a brighter note, the food here pretty much makes it all worth it. I'm not kidding, I haven't eaten this well ever in my life.

Blessed Be,
Pennanti

The zen of kitchen witching or: People have souls in the morning, too.

I can’t seem to focus on anything internet-related for more than ten minutes for the last few weeks. I think it’s the weather – it really wants me to be outside, admiring the leaves. Unfortunately, I live in the city, and there’s no real opportunity.

I’d been thinking about kitchen witchery all summer though, and these weeks have been a phenomenal impetus to start practicing it. I know the theory, that you can bring your practice into anything and everything sustenance-related, but I just can’t feel it in the stir-fry. For me, kitchen witchery always means baking, and that’s hard to justify when the weather is hot.

There’s another problem we face too, that I don’t think most “cooks” have, but I think a lot of people who would like to cook do. Namely, my kitchen looks like this:

'

That’s the whole thing. You can fit one person and a cat, generally, and washing dishes while simultaneously using the counter for chopping is akin to a block puzzle. It’s roughly 2’ by 5’, generously.

So, heat and space are both practical obstacles. Still, I managed a day of pride last week. The following things were produced:

Egg Muffins: They freeze well, and are mini omelettes. These have jalepenos that I grew in my ghetto bucket garden. I am inordinately proud of said garden, and glad I managed to cook with at least some of it.

Banana Cardamom Muffins: Also freeze well, but I don't have the excuse of providing for anyone but myself - I use whatever bananas I forget at work over the weekend, and I'm the only one that eats them.

Bread! Real, honest-to-Goddess, yeast-risen bread. I know for some of you homesteaders, this is pretty basic, but....I made bread! And it worked! This will be amazing to me whenever it happens.

So, in conclusion, it can be done. Most of this is for reheating for breakfast, or toasting for breakfast, at work for the next weeks. I find breakfast to be the most challenging meal, in terms of remembering that I, and everyone else, is a real person who deserves sustenance. Habits in the past have been drinking a pot of coffee, and telling everyone to f* off.

I'm still drinking a pot of coffee, but I'm at least slightly more personable when I eat food. This is a spiritual win, or at least it feels like progress.

Lunch is next. I'm not really sure what to do, but I'll work on it. Dinner will be the biggest challenge....because Taun-taun cooks it at least 75% of the time, and it's really hard to not be lazy when I know he'll feed me. I'm much better at cooking something to freeze, and letting that be the meal the other 25%.

Blessed Be!
Pennanti

Pagan Artist: Kellee Maize

Kellee Maize is a pagan hip-hop artist. I love the genre shift – as mentioned, I don’t always trend towards folksy guitar stylings, so I’m predisposed to pagan artists who break that mold. Her music relates to club and dance genres with the beats and actual music, while the lyrics wouldn’t be out of place at any pagan festival.

The music is electronic, for the most part (I love my beepy sounds), with chimes and hand claps and more standard instruments buried in among the synth. It’s very catchy, and easy to bop along to, which is another good point. It does start to sound the same when you listen to too much of it at once, but when thrown in with other pagan mixes, it’s a refreshing breather. I love, love, love dance music, so it’s hard for me to get tired of it. Kellee Maize seems to find the same spiritual elements in dancing – even in clubs – that I do, and I really connect through that where I have trouble with other artists.

This allows me to forgive her for the one thing throughout the first album (Aligned Archetypes) that drives me absolutely out of my mind – there’s a twenty second or so piece at the end of some tracks that is completely disconnected with the rest of the songs. Sometimes it accapella singing, sometimes it’s just spoken word poetry, but it completely breaks the rhythm, and frequently the topic is only tangentially related to the song, or not at all. It’s like a whole different song, in a different style, buried in bits and pieces throughout the album. That might be your thing, but it makes me twitch. Not enough to make me stop enjoying everything else, fortunately.

The lyrics themselves are unabashedly democratic on pagan topics. It sometimes crosses into slightly fluffy all-is-light-and-love territory, but so confidently that it makes me feel a little ashamed for being self-conscious about it. Crystal children, higher consciousness, past lives, auras, third eyes, chakras, stones, Isis, Goddess, God, psychic powers, karma, astrology, spellwork – it’s all fair game. That alone marks her apart; these songs aren’t always focused on one pagan thing, but rather on an emotional topic and the rest comes intertwined with writing about it. It makes all the rest seem more naturally part of life, and less forced than otherwise.

I really like her, anyway. Third Eye and Friday Night Flu are probably my favorites, but feel free to check out the rest! I’m not as familiar with the other singles and albums she’s released, but I have liked what I heard, so don’t expect any significant style changes from one to the other.

On a positive note, she's freely available on Jamendo (creative commons licensed music), though you can also buy her music from Amazon. The link at the top goes to the Jamendo site, so you can listen or download whatever you like without gambling on your hard-earned pocket-change.

Blessed Be!

Pennanti

Amon Amarth- a TaunTaun music review

While not precisely a pagan band, Amon Amarth hits enough points on pagan-friendly material enough to be worth talking about here. Also, extra dork points for naming their band after Mount Doom. So, here we go!

To say Amon Amarth likes vikings and old Norse mythology is something like saying the sun is hot. It's true in the strictest technical sense, but it doesn't nearly cover the reality of the situation. You can't go more than two songs on an album without tripping over a track about Thor, or Odin, or Tyr, or vikings pillaging and burning. Which is one thing I like about their song content- they don't really shy away or try to paint over the fact that if you saw a viking ship on the horizon, shit was probably about to get real in a hurry.

Musically speaking, they're a melodic death metal band from Sweden. If you don't know, Sweden is pretty much the birthplace and main headquarters of that particular musical style. What that means is basically a lot of melodic guitar work over a lot of really heavy rhythms, with a vocalist singing in what can uncharitably be called a cookie monster scream. All of these things are present in Amon Amarth's music, except that Johan Hegg, singer and master of all beard-related matters, actually has some of the best vocals in the death metal style. Which isn't to say that it's still anything but an acquired taste. But, he's actually quite intelligible most of the time. Which is an accomplishment for death metal, really. The guitarwork on most of their songs follows the same pattern- chugging, grinding guitar riffs which break into pretty cool solos. The drums and bass are just sort of there, not doing anything overly special.

Which is really the band's biggest downside- once you've heard a few, you've pretty much heard them all. Still an enjoyable band, but not one that I can listen to for hours on end. That said, here's some songs!

Runes To My Memory

Asator

With Oden On Our Side

Death In Fire

Gods of War Arise

Twilight Of The Thunder God

Tattered Banners And Bloody Flags

Happy Mabon!

Happy Mabon and a good harvest for your year's endeavors!

I've been sitting here organizing whatever music seems "Mabony" (Mabonish? Mabonlike?), and it's making me realize that I have conflicted views on what this holiday entails. It's also making me realize I have time to organize music, and I'm deeply grateful for that, too, but still confused.

On the one hand, Mabon is essentially pagan Thanksgiving - an extra one, but still carries 'Thanksgiving' connotations for me. What that means, musically, is that I immediately lean towards irish and guitar instrumentals, because that's what my family always played as background Thanksgiving music.

Of course, Thanksgiving makes me think of family, so I also want songs about family or that remind me of family.

Except, Mabon is about the turn of the season to the Holly King, and the waning of the Oak King. So suddenly songs about goodbyes, endings, and lost things start to creep in.

And naturally, as the Equinox, it's also about the slow growth of the night. And that brings out the goth music, the slightly creepy lyrics, and songs that evoke the general anxiety that comes with being thankful for the second harvest - but worried about the third and last, and the length of the winter beyond that.

Of course, anxiety, over-planning, and family holidays go together like a pair of gloves, so there's more overlap inside my head than you'd think. After a bit of rearranging, I struck on the idea that the popular, more mainstream songs should head first - it's better cooking music - followed by the songs that are slowly, or clumsily, topical (sort of.), ending with the instrumentals. Which range from Irish jigs to this French dude I found on Jamendo who makes awesome background music filled with trepidation.

In conclusion, this is my two 1/2 hour playlist for Mabon:

Show Your ColoursShow Your Colours by Lonely Drifter Karen
Brother by Murder By Death
Artist in the Ambulance by Thrice
Time Is Running Out by Muse
Say Goodbye by DMB & Phish
White Light by Gorillaz
'til My Dying Days by Glengarry Bhoys
20/20 by Josh Woodward
Don't Go by TenPenny Joke
Bye Bye Beautiful by Nightwish
Last Dance by The Raveonettes
A Hole In The World by Thursday
Something Sacred by Kellee Maize
Witch's Rune by S.J.Tucker
My Destiny by Leaves' Eyes
Rose Red by Woodland
The Mabon by Damh The Bard
Scarborough Fair by Leaves' Eyes
Equinox by Noblesse Oblige
Hunter by Pandemonaeon
Raven's Lore by Spiral Dance
Water's In The Hold by Tricky Pixie
Mabon by Threefold
Chickies In The House by Tricky Pixie
Breath by Petite Viking
Level by Petite Viking
The Red-Haired Boy by Al Petteway
Arianrhod by Faith & The Muse
Instrumental by Hadrian's Wall
Roadside Jigset by Hadrian's Wall
Elbow Grease and Whiskey by Hadrian's Wall
Patterns in the Ivy by Opeth
Salt River by Petite Viking

Well, that was a total linkstorm. Most go to full recordings, hope you like something!
Blessed Be!
Pennanti

An especially nerdy Mabon

Mabon’s shaping up to be one of my busier weekends in a while. Taun-taun and I have private holiday dinner plans tomorrow; roast chicken, potatoes, carrots, and kale, followed by open circle at Psychic’s Thyme. Bringing a dish to pass – thus, squash apple bake will be featured as well.

Circle Of The Green is leading the Mabon circle. Psychic’s Thyme invites different groups to lead their circles, so there’s a changing line up. I’m already a little familiar with CotG, so I warned Taun-Taun that it will be All Goddess All The Time, but he’s still game. Maybe I’m picky about balance issues, but they opened their last open circle with a creation retelling of First There Was The Goddess And Then She Got Bored And Split Off To Make The God, and that makes a statement about where their focus is, really. Still, they’re fairly well organized and have a broad view towards attendee participation, so it should be fun regardless.

Then, it’s Game Night at a friend’s, and Saturday there’s the final test for Wicca 101, followed by Rochester Anime Sci-Fi Con, followed by public Mabon dinner at The Viking/The Fairy’s house, and then Sunday we’re committed to a ShadowRun session. I may not breathe all weekend.

The Wicca 101 finale will be interesting. In theory, we’re doing a brief dedication ritual together after the test. (In my case, dedicating to “further learning” since I’m not intending to be Wiccan.) In practice, there’s a Meeting Of The Tribes happening at 12:30 pm somewhere, and all the teachers need to leave at noon to get there in time. That gives them an hour to get everyone tested, graded, organized, and magical.

I’m skeptical. It will be entertaining at worst, but with the high Hot Mess probability factor, I’m not walking in with transcendental experience expectations. Also, since I’m heading straight to the Con afterwards, I’ll be dedicating myself to further learning while dressed like Princess Leia.

Magic Nerd Powers Activate!

Blessed Be,

Pennanti